i just woke up from some dream that i got into a fight and after i've almost beaten the other dude, he punched me so hard that my right molars came off. That was terrible.
The last few weeks and the entire month of February has been really weird and confusing even for me. I've not been getting sleep or been sleeping too much, dealing with issues that i haven't had in so long. And to be honest, some of these things scare me a little. It's been too long since i've really thought of actually going into a relationship - always thought that the whole moving across the big pond was my endgame and all i wanted to do was to build the boat. I still need to build the boat, but everything and everyone's too distracting. And it doesn't help that all the different underlying issues have to be all dug up at once, especially right before my finals. Its like getting my molars sucker punched.
Its been a really tough month and some things that i never saw coming have suddenly become big things in a span of a few weeks. I don't know if its a good thing, because i don't even know if i'm ready for this. I thought the boat was important, now i don't even know if we want to cross the sea. Everything feels really messy now, interfering with the original plan of having fun after building the boat. Yet it seems to be a good thing. I'm so mixed and confused. I don't even know what i want now and i feel so frustrated and tired because of that.
The soul, heart and mind all want different things, i think i need to sit down and think this whole thing through.
And i think having terrible relationships just drives you insane. the whole "emotional baggage" thing in himym - its so true. So bogged down by what happened between that little bitch and me. Not angry, just confused over what should have been done and what i should do. There's this sweet girl, i really don't wanna mess things up with her, or lose her friendship because of all the stupid things i'm gonna do.
Fighting fourteen years of demons, i think i'll be fine. Maybe all i need is a little more time.